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Posted on Apr 29, 2007 in Armchair Reading, Front Page Features, TIAOW

The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 29] – Sinister Rifle Association

By A J Summersgill and Jim H Moreno




Doctor Sinister. An evil Supervillain with an insane lust for power. Although his original secret island base was seemingly destroyed, the Doctor spent some time on the run and now occupies the defunct Mount Cheyenne facility in Colorado where he still plots to become future Emperor and Warlord of the planet Earth. Enjoys the company of cats, cloned genetically modified Dinosaurs and people who say "yes" all the time.


And featuring:


General Menace. Graduated from West Point Military Academy with honours, served for twenty-five years in the US Army, reaching level of 2-star General in command of training facilities before being recruited by Doctor Sinister to command his New Model Army of World Domination. Narrowly escaped the apparent destruction of Sinister Island and runs the Cheyenne Mountain facility with his lord and master. Has a penchant for cigars and Alyssa Milano.

EPISODE 29 – "Sinister Rifle Association"

The sun rises high over the Sinister Incorporated Cheyenne Mountain facility high in the Colorado mountains as a new day dawns. Birds whiz in the air, flying joyfully around the treetops until automated Vulcan gun emplacements shoot them out of the sky.

Rabbits playfully skip around their burrows until they trigger hidden mines and explode with a pop and worms burrow deep into the ground until an inbuilt electrical grid incinerates them with a hissing sound.

Deep underground, General Menace hurries to the newly built deep core troop parade chamber for an important meeting with the most powerful man on the planet Earth…the evil Doctor Sinister. He enters the enormous room to see the Doctor sitting atop a podium at the head of the room on which is mounted a small control console with various switches and dials. The General mounts the steps to the top of the podium and salutes the Doctor who returns the greeting with a huge cheesy grin.

Doctor Sinister: Welcome General! And a hearty good morning to you! How goes the day?

General Menace: Pretty good actually your Excellency – the base has expanded tenfold since we got here and the exterior defences are coming online nicely.

Ah, yes, about that, some of the scientists on level 9 reported cockroaches in their laboratory – sort that out won’t you?

I’ll do my best my Lord, but I’m slightly unclear as to why you want the entire area in and around this base sterilised of all non-human, feline and dinosaur life forms.

Don’t forget the sharks – I want them kept alive as well.

Sorry my lord, I try and forget the sharks as much as possible. Although, they aren’t really sharks are they? Not any more. For one thing, they walk around upright on their flippers, wear helmets with intercoms, have targeting computers wired into their electronic brains and carry assault rifles.

Yes, they are enhanced cybernetic sharks! I’ve assigned them to the security detail in the lowest levels of the base. They do a pretty good job, although I’m having trouble keeping up with the fish requirements.

And…they aren’t really alive either are they? I mean, their brains were sort of removed…to make way for the computer uplink.

Well, technically, no, they are kind of dead. But I still don’t want them harmed.

Which leads me back to my earlier question, Sagacity, why are we killing everything else within ten miles of the command centre?

If I’m to become Emperor of the planet Earth, it pays to be vigilant, don’t you think? I don’t want anything near me that might, one day, usurp me.

Well, yes, but with respect, we’re expending several hundred thousand rounds of expensive ammunition every day blowing eagles out of the sky – the valley is so full of used bullet cartridge cases we’ll soon be able to walk across the debris to the top of the next mountain. All because you’re worried that a life form might evolve into something cleverer than you one day – but these things don’t happen overnight you know.

Just see to it General, I don’t want to wake up and find spiders in my bed – the metal ones H.A.T.E. invented are already quite bad enough.

Oh, talking of that sir, one of the spiders sent to spy on the British Prime Minister transmitted some very useful information yesterday.


Oh yes your Majesty, suffice it to say that I’ll never be able to look at a pair of stockings again without laughing.

[continued on next page]

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