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Posted on Oct 29, 2007 in Front Page Features, TIAOW

The Incorrect Art of War [Episode 35] – Return Of The King

By A J Summersgill and Jim H Moreno

(The elevator door opens and the two men walk briskly down a wide gleaming corridor toward a forbidding door at the other end)  I don’t think I have a lot of choice, and you did spring me from that hell-hole American prison.

Yes, I’m sorry it took us so long to get someone to you, we acted as quick as we could.

That’s fine, and thank you, it’s just that…if anything, you seem even more…intent…than before.


Focused, clear of mind, I’d even say…dangerous.  My Lord, you are the same person but…different.

Although we are all the same person, it has been said that each clone of Doctor Sinister has unique characteristics that define their actions, an emphasis on something different within the whole.


(Thoughtfully)  My Lord, I was going to ask, about your cats, I’m afraid they…were killed.

Yes, I know, I was there.

Of course, but, they weren’t real cats were they?  They were robots all the time?

I’m afraid so, the original Fox and Dana died some time ago, alas, before the cloning generator had been perfected, but I found another way.  I had their memories preserved and implanted into new robot bodies.  Unfortunately, those robotic bodies are no more…

(Trying to hide the glee in his voice)  I can’t imagine a world without those two cats…

(They reach the door which opens before them to reveal a pristine white laboratory.  Windows are set into the walls revealing that the room is atop the mountain housing the SICC.  Through the windows, the staggering vista of Doctor Sinister’s central facilities can be seen, extending for miles across the island.  And, scurrying across the floor…) 

You don’t have to General…

Argh!  No!  (General Menace visibly leaps into the air as two howling Siamese cats run toward him and begin to rub their cheeks on his trouser legs, leaving fine traces of white fur everywhere.  They look up at him and lick their lips)

Awww, that’s nice, they remember you!  As you can see General, they’ve been rebuilt and are as good as new.  Although we cannot clone them, the cloning generator does now have the additional capability to reconstruct the cats in their robotic forms.


Yes, it’s wonderful!  As is this!

(Doctor Sinister points to a huge platform suspended some six feet from the floor of the laboratory on a metal gantry.  Arranged around the periphery are twelve crystal-tipped angled spikes, all pointing to the centre of the platform.  Doctor Sinister ascends a set of steps to the top of the platform and invites the General to join him.  He does so, pursued by the two cats)

What is this?

General, some years ago you and I discussed the creation of a time machine that we could use to conquer history itself.  #5


I’ve revisited the concept.  This device is a Time Projection Unit – TPU for short.  Instead of a cabinet that can be used for time travel, this device will project us into the past at any time or place we choose and return us and anyone we care to bring with us when we issue an order via a remote device.

Excellency, I thought I’d made the dangers of messing with time perfectly clear…

You did General, you did.

And I thought I’d managed to steer you away from that course of action.  (He considers his next words carefully)  I even…disabled…the device.  To protect causality from any meddling.  You don’t know what might happen…

General, I’m well aware of your duplicity in destroying a vital component of the machine, but I let it lie.  Instead, I revised my plans to ones which would assuage your sensibilities and still give us what we need.

Go on…

It occurred to me that we needn’t alter history to gain benefit from it.  If I can be cloned perfectly, why not the great military leaders of history?

Oh no…

Oh yes General!  Using the TPU we will shortly be embarking on a mission to kidnap all of the greatest military leaders throughout history and bring them here, where we can clone them, and return the originals to their own time zones.  You see?  We get what we want, and history is none the wiser!

To what end?

To create an Army, General.  An Army the likes of which the world has never seen – an utterly invincible Army that will allow us to become masters of the Earth!  Are you with me?

(General Menace looks around him in dismay, at the newly invigorated Doctor Sinister, the gleaming powerful equipment and the two cats clawing his boots, and sighs)

Yes, my Lord.


And so it begins…

Are the excessive amounts of exposition behind us?

Who will our heroes pick on first?

And are there Duty Free tax laws on bringing items back from the past?

Find out in the next awe-inspiring episode of…The Incorrect Art of War!!

A J Summersgill and Jim Moreno.

If you want to talk more sensibly about military history from any era, don’t forget to visit the ACG Forums.

Visit the Incorrect HQ for more episodes!

#1  See Episode 33, The Terminal Phase.

#2  See Episode 17, The Ultimate Weapon.

#3  See Episode 34, The Search For Doc’.

#4  See Episode 26, A New Hope.

#5  See Episode 6, Time Travelers of Death.

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